Consent Doesn’t Have a Gender
Unspoken Desires: #01 | What happened when a woman crossed my boundaries after I spoke up about misandry.
Welcome to the first of the Unspoken Desires series.
I asked whether you were ready to explore the uncomfortable—and you said yes. So today, I’m releasing the first piece in the Unspoken Desires series: a personal story that raised deeper questions about power, gender, and the consent we expect—and the consent we ignore.
In this series, I explore the psychology of hidden desires—those shaped by power, trauma, identity, and the unspoken rules of culture.
Not all are erotic, but all are revealing.
This post explores a complex topic through a psychological lens.
It’s not a condemnation of any group, but a reflection on the unspoken tensions that shape our cultural narratives around desire, pain, and power.
This post touches on sensitive themes and is meant to invite discussion, not division. If you're reading this, thank you for engaging in nuance with me.
Read on—if you're comfortable with the uncomfortable.
As I’ve aged, I’ve tried to be the kind of person who speaks up—not in an aggressive way, but in the kind of way that plants a small seed of disruption in moments where something feels off.
Over the weekend, I was standing in line at a social event when I overheard the woman behind me loudly telling a man how much she hated men.
Not jokingly.
Not ironically.
Just… loudly.
I said something.
Because I always try to.
I said something because my male partner was standing next to me and I imagined what I would want him to do if the tables were turned.
Would I want him to stand there quietly while a man loudly proclaimed how much he hated women to a woman beside me and within my ear shot?
Definitely not.
I said something because as a woman to woman I felt obliged to do it.
I said something because I grew up around many women who said terrible things about men and it took me a long time to realise men had feelings too (as embarrassing as that is to admit).
I said something because I’ve been mistreated by men (and mistreated them) in the past but I don’t think hating half of the population is the answer to moving forward.
Because I believe if we want men to speak up when their mates say something misogynistic, we should do the same when women do the same in reverse.
I calmly reflected the double standard:
Imagine if a man loudly told a woman he hated women, right behind her in line.
Would that feel safe?
I continued:
I love my partner, he is a man and I think he is a beautiful person.
She didn’t like being challenged.
She deflected, laughed it off, got defensive, and we volleyed a few lines back and forth.
But then something strange happened.
She looked at my partner and asked, loudly and publicly, “Can I touch her ass?”
He didn’t speak for me but he turned to her and said, “You’d have to ask her.”
She didn’t ask me but looked at me.
I said no.
And… she did it anyway!!
In that moment, I froze.
A person had just touched me without my consent—right after I said no.
In a crowded public space.
It was one of those moments that feels surreal—because it doesn’t fit the script.
We don’t have many cultural narratives for what to do when a woman violates another woman’s consent.
Especially when that woman wraps herself in progressive language and claims victimhood while acting out her own power play.
I’ve experienced a lot of things in life.
But some of the worst boundary violations I’ve had—especially in casual social spaces—have come from women.
Women who thought they had a pass.
Women who assumed it wasn’t a big deal.
Women who framed it as “just a bit of fun” or who got defensive when I said no.
We talk so much about consent culture, but we still don't really know what to do when someone “on our side” breaks those rules.
Especially when they use queerness, feminism, or trauma as a shield.
But here’s the thing:
Being a woman doesn’t mean you’re incapable of abusing power.
Being queer doesn’t give you an automatic consent pass.
Being a feminist doesn’t mean you’re above reproach.
What struck me most was how calculated it felt.
Like a subtle attempt to put me in my place.
I’d challenged her. I’d stepped out of line.
And this was her way of reclaiming the upper hand—not by arguing back, but by crossing a line.
My line.
My body.
I looked to my partner and realised we were both in shock.
Neither of us knew how to handle the situation.
He later explained that he’d know what to say if a man had done it, but this was a woman- what was appropriate?
He felt trapped, as if anything he did or said would be used against him.
I was still stunned, frozen.
So many feelings ran through my mind.
Shock, anger, disbelief, confusion.
It made me question- how is she any different to all of the men she was just hating?
And it reminded me how often consent violations aren’t about sex.
They’re about power.
About who gets to set the tone in a space.
About who’s allowed to feel safe, respected, and human.
This post isn’t about blaming women.
It’s not about undermining feminism.
I love women. I am openly bisexual. I don’t hate either gender.
In fact, I recently wrote something I wish more men would hear: A Love Note for Men — (btw I’m still waiting for a man to write a Love Note for Women in reply).
This writing is about naming the shadows we don’t talk about enough.
If we’re going to build a truly consent-forward culture, we have to stop assuming that harm only comes from one direction.
We need to be brave enough to call out behaviour even when it comes from people we identify with.
And we need to stop confusing healing from patriarchy with replicating it in reverse.
What would it look like if we all—regardless of gender—took responsibility for the spaces we create?
If we didn’t just fight for our own safety, but protected each other’s too?
It starts with being willing to speak up.
Even in line.
Even when it’s awkward.
Even when no one else does.
I'd love to hear your thoughts:
Have you ever had your boundaries crossed by someone who assumed it didn’t “count”?
How do you respond when people make negative gender-based generalisations in public spaces?
What does consent mean to you outside of sex?
If you’re a man, have you found that men violate your consent in a similar way to what I experienced?
Are same sex consent violations a different phenomenon?
Thank you for reading the first in the Unspoken Desires series.
In this series I want to explore topics that we don’t speak about, but should.
This was an incredibly vulnerable share for me and I hope it made you think or spoke to something you have wished you could speak about.
If you want this series to continue once a month, please vote for the next topic in the poll below —or better yet, by becoming a paid subscriber.
These pieces take time, care, and emotional risk to write—and your support makes it possible for me to keep exploring the edges of desire, power, and taboo with honesty and depth.
If you have a different topic you’d like me to explore let me know in the comments.
What should I write about in next months Unspoken Desires?
These are all edges for me, but they are all topics I haven’t seen discussed much. I’m not looking for everyone to agree with me, I am open to disagreement - I am simply aiming for more discussion on these topics.
I hope you are up for taking the uncomfortable journey with me!
And if not my other series Psychology of Desire: Case Files or my other explorations of desire listed below may be more your cup of tea.
Thanks for reading,
Emma
Founder of Psychology of Desire | Host of The Erotic Realm podcast
P.S. I’m excited to share that next month’s second edition of Psychology of Desire: Case Files will explore the Female Orgasm! Missed this months first edition on Foot Fetishes? It’s sparked some fascinating conversations—take a peek here.
Want to dive deeper into your desires with me personally? I offer 1:1 Coaching via application. Find out more here.
p.s Want to explore my writing?
Desire Without Demands: The Psychology of Giving Without Expectation
The Sole of Desire: Foot Fetish Origins | Psychology of Desire: Case File #1
What Your Erotic Dreams Reveal About Your Deepest Desires
My Erotic Journey: From Repressed to Expressed
The Secret Life of Your Desire
Why Your Desires Are More Normal Than You Think.
What If Everything You Know About Men and Women Is Wrong?
The Hidden Key to Lasting Desire: It’s Not What You Think
Are Men and Women Wired Differently For Desire?
And don’t forget my Jung of Sex Series:
p.p.s Want to check out my projects?
Yeah, just… wow. How bizarre. I guess if we’re generous we’re going to acknowledge she’s obviously got her own shit to process, but still, she was way out of line. Sorry you had to go through that, glad you weren’t by yourself, applauding your courage, and holding space if this makes you want to not speak up next time. And sometimes the real power is holding still and letting things pass. This says more about her than you. ✨
Wow, that is shocking. The way certain people don’t know hypocrisy when they’re the ones doing it… I’m really sorry that happened to you, but also inspired by your courage to confront her even though it lead to that. Not knowing what to do at that point was natural, because stories like that are less common and not talked about. Thank you for sharing 🫶 I look forward to more installments in this series